Chapter 52 – Uncomfortable Companions

Uncomfortable Companions

I want to die.

That thought comes crashing in.

I feel like everything I’ve done is wrong. Yet, without changing a thing, I continue to breathe.

The goddess has blessed this world. She liberated lands from the clutches of demons, pulled down dragons adorned the heavens to give humans the sky, and in wars sparked by greedy humans, she didn’t express disappointment but instead supported the righteous side, making the world a better place.
A god may be omniscient but not omnipotent. Despite knowing everything, they can’t intervene in all matters.

So I turned a blind eye. To the dark side of the Holy Imperial Court that extended a saving hand to me, a fallen noble doomed to disappear on the streets.
The world is full of injustices. The calamities that befell my kin remaining in the Demon Continent are regrettable. For those victims the Holy Imperial Court couldn’t save in time, all I could offer were prayers. So, my duty was to help the citizens nearby. That was the mission given to me by the goddess.

I was disgusted by the man who insulted the goddess who saved me and made the world a better place. When I faced him again, I loathed the man who brought chaos to the world.

His frivolous behavior, his carelessness in everything.
The man who collaborated with the Demon King’s army and killed countless innocents.

It was even more horrifying that he seemed to lack any sense of guilt.

I thought he must have killed people with a cruel heart. Yet, in the fragments of memories I glimpsed, I saw a man desperately wishing for death out of guilt.
There was a boy who was afraid of dying.
The man I thought was a pleasure killer was just a child who had lived for only about 17 years. It was hard to believe, but he was five years younger than me.

Was it because he killed too many people at such a young age? He smiled calmly, packaging himself as a cheerful person, pretending to be okay.

But the contents of his heart were already shattered beyond repair. No matter what he offered, he could never be normal again.

All that’s burned to ash can be fuel. If he ignites that weak ember before dying, perhaps he could fulfill a small wish.

But a soul wandering the bottom of the abyss can only scream in agony.

When the flower that bloomed amidst the ashes withers, his life is over. The hope that bloomed like a miracle crumbles, leaving only pain behind.

I don’t know how he can continue to live.
The side effects of memory assimilation were many, but I had never felt emotions to this extent before.

And the reason he hated the goddess… it was understandable.

The goddess has always strived for humanity. No matter what, she worked for the sake of humans. Until that moment comes when all humans are saved, the Holy Imperial Court and the goddess will serve the world.
However, those rotting in agony from their pain, the foreigners, were not included in this salvation. Merely for coming from another world, they were fated to be used as pawns for the stability and peace of this world and to die.

Thus, countless lives have vanished.

For the sake of the world, the sacrifice of a few continues.

The doctrine of the Holy Imperial Court to save all humans, even the goddess herself did not adhere to it.

My feelings for Flan are still complicated.

The sins he committed were too great to be forgiven. It was for survival, but… he killed far too many. He killed until he could no longer distinguish right and wrong.

If one were to defend him, could a boy, not yet an adult, make the right decisions in extreme situations where not killing meant death? Especially in a world he was dragged into against his will.
As if being forcibly brought here wasn’t enough, he was discarded as useless, and when faced with the threat of death, no one extended a helping hand.

Naturally, he felt unjust and resentful, unable to endure.

The actions he took to escape the crushing guilt were deceiving himself. He dismissed the act of killing people as being okay. He wouldn’t have survived otherwise. And at the end of his escape, he was left with nothing.
Perhaps it was divine compassion that felt pity for his fate, and the gods granted him paradise.

Whether that compassion quickly turned to hatred, or as there can be no paradise in the place one flees to, his paradise was shattered beyond recognition.
As repulsive as it was, having read his memories, I couldn’t hate him as much.
To think I would even defend the man I loathed so much… it seems I was greatly affected by the memory assimilation.

Anyway, his heart was straightforward.

The small wish to survive and enjoy freedom had long vanished. He had given up on everything and wanted to die. He just wanted to end his journey right here. Even if it’s possible to hide one’s outward emotions, it’s impossible to deceive one’s inner self.

He wanted to die.

For some reason, he still continues to live, but… if a moment comes, it’s clear he will take his own life.

Perhaps the end of his journey is not.

A return to his homeland.
But after concluding everything, to be able to close his eyes in peace.

Perhaps that is the rest he seeks.

The desire to seek happiness once more, did not exist.
It was pitiful.

* * *

“Hey, wake up.”

As I opened my eyes, I found myself bound. I was still in the underground dungeon. Despite having lost consciousness, there hadn’t been much spatial movement; I was simply seated in a different room’s chair.

Before me was Flan. He always spoke with the same voice, a smile on his face.

“You’ve been kidnapped.”

“…Is this not where I was originally?”

My response was as flippant as ever.

Perhaps the difference was the new wounds on his face.

Scars that looked like they were scratched out with fingernails had appeared. The red, inflamed trails of the wounds indicated that they had been made within the last few hours. From his memories, it seemed likely that they were the result of self-harm he wasn’t even aware of.

“…You’ve come to your senses.”

And what was with that surprised expression? It seemed like I had passed out after reading his memories until the very end. Had I said something strange in the meantime?

“…Well, whatever. The situation has reversed now, hasn’t it? I’m the one interrogating, and you’re the one answering.”

He pulled a dagger from his bosom. Its antique appearance made it look like a relic stolen from the empire.

“We don’t have much time, so let’s get straight to the point. Did you read the letter Troka wrote?”

“No, I haven’t read it.”

When I was born, my family had already fallen. There was no time to learn to read. Besides, being born a woman, opportunities to read were scarce anyway.

Well, it didn’t really matter.
There was no need to know letters if it was to help people.

“Is that so? That’s too bad. Or should I say, lucky? Haha.”

He scratched his chin with the dagger, looking around. He might fall and hurt himself badly doing that.

“Moving on to the next question…”

“Don’t worry, I will answer whatever you want.”

I felt uncomfortable. The him in my memories and the him I saw now were too different. Was it the same principle as a person changing to avoid memories after a strong shock? The sight was too unpleasant to bear.

“That’ll speed things up. Regarding the goddess—”

“The price is for you to allow me to accompany you on your remaining journey. We’re short on time, so please ask only the most important things. I’ll tell you the rest on our next journey.”

I had resolved to serve everyone to the best of my ability, having been chosen as a saint. I thought to treat everyone equally unless they were utterly wicked criminals.
Flan was both an utterly wicked criminal and a victim of the goddess.
For a mere criminal, it might be different, but there was room for leniency for him.

“…Saying it like that makes it a bit scary.”

Now he was someone who could no longer be saved by anyone.
A man left with nothing but despair after even his last place of rest was taken from him.

“What’s there for me to gain by believing you, or rather, I could get all the information from you here and be done with it? What good would it do me to take you along?”

No one was left to love him anymore. So I thought, perhaps it wouldn’t be too bad if I, at least, offered him some comfort by my presence.

After all, the goddess hadn’t given any prophecy. Regardless of what she thought of Flan, in the absence of direct orders, it seemed alright to act as I pleased.

And on top of that.

“Your physical condition, only I can improve it. Health abnormalities caused by using the holy sword despite not being a hero. Your body is collapsing from using demonic power in a human body… and the mental abnormalities caused by past events. Without me accompanying you… No, you’re already in grave danger.”

His life expectancy wasn’t much to speak of. If he were to die with no one by his side… that seemed too cruel a fate to me.

“What if I refuse?”

“Are you aware that if you continue to act without treatment, you have only a month to live? If you want to survive long enough to deliver the remaining letters, you’ll need me. Others won’t be able to heal you properly.”

For someone who was merely a commoner to have made it this far, countless sacrifices must have been inevitable.
As a saint who had spent her life with the sick, I could tell immediately. Without treatment, he would soon die. And he would die a terrible death, his body disintegrating and melting away.

Flan’s desire to die was less than his desire to deliver the letter. So it was an offer that couldn’t be refused.

“Ha… as if I don’t have enough women trying to kill me already…”

Flan had few choices. He probably knew that better than anyone else. That his remaining life wasn’t long.

He grimaced and approached, then sat down in front of the chair and began to cut the ropes around my wrists.

The ropes were so strong that even with a sharp dagger, it took a while to cut through.
Perhaps bored with the task, Flan spoke up.

“Let me ask you one last thing. What do you gain by accompanying me?”

…A benefit to me.

Truthfully, there was none. If I had to name one, perhaps it would be the slight alleviation of my own guilt.

“There’s no simple… reason.”

He was a person I had once loathed. A person despised by everyone. It had been that way before, and it would continue to be so. A person for whom there was no place or space for salvation.

Even if he was to die without properly paying for his sins, perhaps it was right for at least one person in this world to offer him some comfort.

“…Is that so, then you carry that lizard. My wrists hurt, so that’s too much for me.”

The smile disappeared from Flan’s face as he cut the ropes. His bare face, which he rarely showed, was characterized by a sharp, expressionless look. Fierce, full of irritation… and somehow, it also looked sad. That was probably the real Flan.

He’s a person who doesn’t need any comfort.
Yet, I felt compelled to watch over him until the very end.

Perhaps it was the strong influence of the memory assimilation that made me feel this way.

It might also be to alleviate the shallow guilt of having forcibly dredged up his terrible past.

That was all there was to it.