Chapter 47 – Faith & Believers (7)

Faith & Believers (7)

“Ah… Aaah…”

Consciousness returned to me.
I almost got devoured by those useless memories.
That damn meaningless past trying to consume me…

Ha…

I felt dirtier than ever before.

Damn saint, making me recall such memories. You might find this shitty farce enjoyable, but I can’t stand it. I want to drive a blade through my throat right now… It’s a pity I can’t. Then again, it would be more fitting if you all were the ones to die instead.

If there’s a chance to escape this place, I’ll kill every last one of these otherworldly humans. There’s not a single decent demon or human among them. It doesn’t matter who I kill. They’re all the same to me.

I’m gasping for breath. Damn past… Why did I have to see that again?
To run away from those terrible memories, I twisted my entire body. My body, which should have been bound, was free.

I could move.
The restraints on my limbs were gone.
That means… I can escape, I can get out of this hell.

Filled with joy, I shook my entire body, and then a black cloth brushed past my eyes. I shouldn’t be wearing anything black, something was off.
With that thought, I looked down to see a full bosom covering my lower half.

I had become a woman.
Ah, I am.
No.

I collected my thoughts and lifted my head.

There was a man in my sight. A man covered in wounds, his limbs restrained to the wall, unable to move, hanging unconscious against it.
His name was Flan, the damn porter.

Sitting down on the floor, momentarily losing my senses, I was… the saint, Cecilia.
Ah, yes.
It seems I had forgotten for a moment.

My head was spinning. It seemed there were serious side effects from delving into his memories too long.

But now I’m fine. My mind had cleared, and after resting for a few hours, I would need to read the memories again… but my body wouldn’t respond.
I couldn’t resist the urge to see her in Flan’s memories. There was no reason, it was just so.

She was the only reason for my wretched life.
I want to see her, I feel like I’m going crazy with the desire to see her.

But these aren’t my memories.

I must stop. I had to stop.

Yet, I couldn’t.

I wanted to experience those moments of happiness once more, just by looking at them, even if they weren’t mine.
It was a happiness I had never felt before. A happiness so profound that it could melt a heart oppressed by despair and sin… I wanted to feel that moment again.

Maybe even more than worshiping God…

No, no, no, it’s not that much.

A strange thought occurred to me. It seems I’ve been too influenced by Flan’s memories.

But there wasn’t much time to rest. The Pope had moved up the execution. There was only a little time left to read all of his memories. It would be a disaster if Flan died before I finished.

Still, for safety’s sake, I needed to rest a bit. I grabbed the wall for support, opened the door handle, and left the room. The corridor was quiet and damp. The underground dungeon was as always, devoid of dreams and hope.

As I walked down the dark corridor, a banging noise echoed through the air.
It was coming from the room next to Flan’s, the monstrous dragon was banging its head against the wall.

Looking through the bars at her, she seemed to be in great distress.
Could she also be suffering from the side effects of memory assimilation? I knew that when reading memories, not only oneself but also nearby beings could be assimilated into the memories, but I didn’t expect that to include a dragon.
Well, the mental health of the monstrous dragon didn’t really matter to me. After all, once returned to the empire, it would be as good as dead.

And would she, who is traveling with Flan, be unaware of his past?

I don’t understand why Flan is traveling with that thing… but it didn’t really matter. After all, it was scheduled to be sent back to the empire.

Turning my gaze away from the monstrous dragon, my head spun once more.
It was truly time to rest.

I must gather my wits as quickly as possible and read his memories again. With that resolve, I climbed the stairs.

I was sure I had gone up, but then I saw Flan before me.
When I came to, I was standing in front of him. Despite having climbed the stairs, as if bewitched, I had ended up here.

My mind hadn’t healed yet.
If I read his memories again…

I tried to stop myself, but it was futile.

And so, my consciousness drifted away.

* * *

A new neighbor moved into the room next door. Her name was Ellie. Every time we crossed paths, she greeted me with a smile that reminded me of the children.

After meeting her, my life changed.
To tell the truth, nothing changed immediately after our first encounter.

The only difference was that I now had a neighbor who would talk to me. Other than that, it was the same routine as always.

I would wake up late in the morning, commit mass murder, and then greet her with an unaffected smile. I would eat my meals alone at home, occasionally drink with Valkvogel, and when she was about to leave, I would fill my stomach with the remaining alcohol and fall into a deep sleep.

Nerati didn’t come by. It seemed she was busy with the appearance of a hero.
So I drank even more.

Truly, it was a life unchanged, as trashy as ever.

It was a useless life.

“Try smiling a bit.”

That’s what she said.

“What?”

As usual, I met Ellie on my way home from work and greeted her. I presented her with my brightest, most radiant, and seemingly most normal smile. But in response to my special smile, she simply chided me to smile a bit more.

I was sure I had greeted her with the brightest expression I could muster. But as always, she was a bit odd.

Whether she was always lingering near the corridor, picking up discarded plants to grow in front of my door, or watching with curiosity as Gele came to visit, she had her quirks.

Considering her past behavior, I could understand why she would say something like that…

“What do you usually eat?”

“Bread, meat? But why ask all of a sudden…”

“Ugh, no wonder you don’t smile if that’s all you eat.”

Ellie looked at me with a disgusted expression as if she had seen something unpleasant. There was no sense of distance in her behavior.

We were just acquaintances. It was still a relationship where it was natural to maintain a certain distance. But Ellie approached me, her hair tinged red by the sunset, and started to fiddle with it.

“I’ll make something for you. I can’t be in a good mood if the person living next door always looks like that.”

Her beautiful voice brushed past my ears. It was a sensation I had never felt before. My heart felt like it was going to burst. Each of my fingers trembled slightly.
Confused by this new emotion, I wished the moment would last forever.

“Oh, no, it’s okay.”

Even so, I had to draw a line. If our relationship deepened, the day would come when she would notice everything I had done. I didn’t want to show her, of all people. Even if I couldn’t get closer to the person I liked the most, I didn’t want to reveal my sins to her.

“…You really are a frustrating man.”

Despite my refusal, Ellie pushed past me and barged into my house. She then started to handle the kitchen as if it were her own, preparing food. Surprisingly, she seemed to know magic, as she kindled a fire and began to cook.

Then, she sat me down at the table, where I had been standing dumbfounded by the front door.

On the table was a warm soup. Accompanying it was bread, a warm and soft kind I had never seen before. There were also meats and salads, and various foods laid out on the table.

I picked up the bread with my hand. Having only eaten hard and cold bread, this tasted so good it almost brought tears to my eyes. All the other foods were good too. The soup, in particular, felt like something from my original world.

“…Try smiling a bit.”

It was while I was putting food in my mouth.
Ellie, standing quietly, looked at me and once again urged me to smile.

“What?”

Eating delicious food is a happy occasion. I should be smiling. But it seemed that my smile wasn’t satisfactory to her.

“I guess you’ll have to eat my cooking until you can smile properly.”

The wooden chair creaked. My legs trembled slightly. The kindness I thought would be a one-time thing was set to continue.
I was so happy I felt like I could fly. And then I wanted to die.
I had killed people today, as I had before, and as I would in the future. Should someone like me, who will continue to kill, be allowed to experience such happiness?

“No, this one time is enough. The food was delicious, thank you.”

Of course not.
I know. The only way I can atone is through death. And I’m well aware that I don’t deserve such kindness.

“I don’t like that idea. Since there’s no lock anyway, I plan to come and go every day.”

But what returned to my polite refusal was pure kindness.

The first otherworlder I met tried to kill me. The second one tried to eat me, and the third kidnapped me and threw me into a detention facility.
I killed people to survive.
In return, everyone ignored me. The only ones who would talk to me were fellow mass murderers.

This was the first time I had ever experienced such pure interest in me.
Perhaps that’s why it felt as if my face was about to crumble.

“Why… Why do you go to such lengths for me?”

“Just because. I just find it pitiful to watch. Life is so interesting, and yet you go around with such a scrunched-up face, it’s unpleasant to look at. I guess that’s it? Anyway, there’s no particular reason.”

Her answer was remarkably straightforward.
I tried to speak to hide the torrent of emotions welling up inside me, but it only backfired.

“Ah, ah. Ah… I see. Thank… you.”

Ellie seemed pleased with my response, placing her hands on her hips and looking at me with proud eyes.

A surge of intense emotion rose within me. But I suppressed it.
I didn’t want to show that side of myself in front of her. Despite my wishes, the corners of my eyes began to tremble slightly.

I was curious why she was so good to me. I didn’t want to show her my sins, and, presumptuously, I hoped this moment would last.

“The food… was really delicious.”

It was a day that would never return, a day when the sunset glowed red.